gee..would you check out my last entry...it's been like years since my last entry..so much has taken place already...i already have a daughter who's a year old alreay...but i'm not married..the father was my 1st bf and we have been together for almost 3 years but he left us..end of story...i won't entertain any further questions about my daughter's dad..my daughter's name is regina...i call her reg for short..she looks a lot like me..she's so cute (love your own syempre)..

im a medical representatvie right now in a company founded in the Philippines with pride-KAUFMANN pharma..my area includes the ff hospitals- St. Luke's, Capitol Med, POC, DLSMC, STGH, UDMC, Delgado and anything in between..so far my performance has been good..i'm enjoying in the career that i have right now.. but i have to admit, there are still things that got into my nerve these past few weeks..certain issues have been said about me..i've been receiving threats and foul text message since last thur till fri..at first i got frightened..i wasn't able to do my job properly..but last friday i realized that i have to be brave and be strong...for my daughter...intrigues and text messages are just freaking statements meant to ruin me and pull me down..THEY DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUDGE ME..THEY CAN'T PLAY GODS OVER ME...we all make mistakes..whant's important is that we learn from them...

i miss my other baby..i love him but i broke his heart...i'm also hurting because i'm aware that i am the cause of his tears..i made things more difficult for him..i feel so stupid..he wants to cool things of with me..hearing such words from him was like dropping an acid to my soul...the acid still eats my heart out...ouchy...i miss him...

but despite it all.despite the heartaches and the pain, my daughter keeps me going..she is the reason of my existence..i love her so much...i know i may not be the perfect mother..i might not be excellent with the mothering stuff and everything but i love my daughter..i lover her very much

This will be the last time..the last time i'll ever be meeting up with the person i love so much.. i don't want him to linger in the suffering nature of purgatory.. maybe heaven was prepared for us..so many things have happened.. but i have to be strong.. letting go of each other is like letting go of everything..but i have come to realize that in life, if you lose everything, God shows you what life is not.. deeply i am wounded..only God can ease this pain..

i just want him to be happy..but according to him, he can never be happy without me..i've been praying that he may find happiness without me..though my prayers are against my heart's plea, i have to be strong..i feel so sad that as time goes by he's getting weaker.. i love him so much and i am hurt a hundred times over when i break his heart..i feel bad that i have to break his heart.. but, this is the only way to save his soul.. i want to see him as a member of the church triumphant..

i will forever miss him..

I was reading one of my sent messages to this very important person and i saw this thought in my message and decided to make it the:

Thought for the day:

"If privacy is a right, then why are those who practice it being despised and treated like deviants?
Could it be because of their disillusioned concept of justice?? Do they not realize that an eye for an eye would make the whole world go blind??"

im missing the man i prayed for..if only no one will be able to read this entry.. i wouldhave written so much about me..

I am a sleepy head.. but for the past few weeks ive had very short resting hours.. wanna know the reson?? i't because of waiting for the result of the december 2006 nurse licensure examination.. text messages keep on coming.. some that i remember are as follows:

1. The results of the december 2006 nle will be be released on january 12 or 13..l atest is nextweek.. oathtaking will be on feb. 4 (morning and afternoon)  at the cuneta astrodome
2. After careful deliberation, the results of the dec '06 nle is scheduled to be released on jan 14, 2006.  The list of passers is said to reach the newspapers at midnight of the said date.. the following websites will be posting the results as soon as they receive the list form prc on or before midnight of jan14: -inq7.net or pinoybsn.blogspot.com or mb.com.ph

yesterday morning, i woke up with a bit a of excitement and anxiety.. ofcourse i want to pass the board but still i asked God to give me what i deserve.. if i deserve to pass, then good.. if i deserve to fail, then so be it..just like it was said in the Lord's prayer.. not my will but Yours be done.. I've lifted everything up to God.. I asked Him to take over when there's nothing i can do anymore..

when i got up from bed, i did no. 2 with a stick of marlboro lights which was gently enveloped between my right hand.. shortly after smoking and seeing the morning paper in our sala i felt a warm sensation over my face.. i felt so weak and found myself on the bedroom floor.. i was just on my undies and shirt at that time.. had a hard time getting up.. when i saw my face in the mirror.. i looked pale..

i prayed the rosary when i got up.. after praying, i looked at the morning newspaper.. i checked every single page of each newspaper section in search for the exam results.. it was quite a suprise that the list of passers have not yet been posted.. not even a single thing was written regarding the results of the nle.. it was quite irritating..

i ate breakfast to "break my fast" then went to the websites which were being passed around that week.. none of which had the results.. according to the inquirer website, they haven't received a copy of the list of passers yet.. then i visited the website of prc but the server was down.. i was getting anxious..

i was getting quite irate.. no i was furious.. it's the long wait that is killingme.. not the exam itself.. for a moment it didn't matter whether i pass or i fail.. i just wanted to see the results to get over with it..

a few hours, bjorn, my classmate, forwarded a telephone number where we could inquire if we passed or failed the exam.. i asked him to call first then tell me about it after.. i didn't feel like calling up prc to inquire.. i prefer scanning the news paper from letter z to letter a.. but it still bothered me knowing that there's already a result and i still do not know if i was fortunate enough to pass.. at that time i've heard four friends who had the guts to call prc.. three out of four passed.. so i told myself..maybe i should call.. the result will make itself known to me after all.. i can't hide from this tan-tan-tan-tan feeling forever.. so again, i lit a cigarette in the place where we do our personal necessities.. took a bath.. got dressed up for bed then dialed..

i heard a male voice

csr:   goodmorning!

me:   yes, good morning.. is this where we inquire regarding    the results of the demeber 2006 nle results?

csr:   yes mam, ano po name nila?

me:   It's baskiñas, erika mae y.

csr:   B-A-S-Q...

me:   no, it's spelled as B-A-S-K-I-Ñ-A-S

csr:   mam first name po nila?

me:   Erika Mae

csr:   Middle name po?

me:     Yamzon

csr:   sandali lang po ha..

me:   (heart beat) *thud* *thud* (pause) *thud* *thud* (pause) *thud*    *thud* (pause) *thud* *thud*

csr:   ay mam..

me:   sir? *thud* *thud*

csr:   Yamzon po di ba?

me:   opo (heart beating faster) *tig-tig-tig-tig*

csr:   siguro wala kang boyfriend noh?

me:   (in disbelief..oh no) po??

csr:   kasi mukhang hindi ka inspired..

me:   ay ganun po ba??

csr:   mag-boyfriend ka muna tas exam ka ulit..

me:   (childish voice) wala po ako sa list? wala po talaga/

csr:   kasi ano e.. pasado ka/

me:   AAAAAAAAAH!!! really!! ang gandang birthday po niyan sa akin!

csr:   talaga birthday mo?

me:   tomorrow is my birthday.. jan. 16.. this is so nice!

csr:   pang 2508 ka sa list.

me:   po? pang 2508th po ako out of the 19,000+ who passed?

csr:   hindi.. alphabetically arranged un..

me:   aok..thank you so so much..

csr:   sige happy happy birthday.. ang saya ng birthday mo!

me:   oh, thank you.Ü

then i started screaming.. it was around 1am when that happened.. i texted everyone on my celphone.. i'm so so pround that i passed the board!!! i wanted everybody to know about it.. i tried calling some of those who didn't reply.. i wanted to wake them up screaming "I PASSED!!!" i was jumping and screaming and hugging mikee.. i was so so happy!!!

i chatted with beaver over the phone for more than an hour.. she also passed.. im so happy for her.. after a while i checked the list that came from prc.. i saw my name:

2508 Baskiñas, Erika Mae Yamzon

There is absolutely nothing like that feeling of seeing your name in the list of passers in an examination which had a new set of protocols..seeing my name gave me an unsual sense of pride.. this is the best birthday gift ever!!! This is my best birthday so far.. For so many many years, i've been crying on my birth day.. i guess this year i won't.. and if i would it would be tears of JOY!!!

I guess i have to change my 2-day old name and title in my table from:

Baskiñas, Erika Mae Y., BSN to Baskiñas, Erika Mae Y., RN Ü

thank you Lord.. for making this possible.. I love You.. Ü

To those who didnot take the exam and made us their test dummies- This subject just passed!!!! Let's see if you will!!! goodluck have fun!!!Ü

a few years ago while my cousin paul was on his way to work...

Me:  kuya paul may pasok ka?

Kuya Paul: Meron.

Me:  di ba labor day.dapat la kayong pasok

Kuya Paul: Babae lang naglalabor.

tomorrow i have to in Rizal Medical Center around 6-630am..

this is the first time that our group will be otated in that hospital..hopefully we'll be able to finish the DR cases we need.

Our last rotation was in the OR of MCMC..We spent nearly a month in that area..I will surely miss that place for a lot of reasons..

yeayness! just finished with my written report regarding "immediate care of the hew born"...geez i have to wake  up around 8am and leave the house before 1030am..well i started really late coz i was waiting for the off peak internet hour since the provider charges it free and this is not my internet card..

Stupid printer haven't been working for the longest time..i guess its ruined..it's getting dusty and we haven't bought ink for it since idon'tknowwhen..guess i have no choice but to have it printed on my way to duty..somewhere along mandaluyong in front of RTU..Printing costs P1.50 per page..How i wish that's how cheap nearby compshops charge their customers for print outs..like i told my friends, "With printing that cheap, who would bother to buy ink?"

i miss pedro balce.. i wonder how's he doing..i feel sad that he hasn't enrolled last school year for the second tri...

i've known pedro for only a trimester but i was touch by the sincerity and spirituality of the person..he was like a big brother to me although he has a short stature..his thoughts were deep and i really like him..but it's not like i'm falling inlove with him..niether did i fall inlove with pedro before.. he was just a friend..a very good friend..someone i can trust like ingrid and ron..

how i miss him..one of my bestfriends

thanks ron i love you.

i can not remember when was the last time, but im sure it has been months since my last entry..

i guess most of my nursing friends haven't updated their blogs lately..since our clinical duties have started last june 2005..

oh btw i quit being an SA (Student Assisstant) last December.  I want to focus on my studies which i've further ignored ever since i became an SA.  I really need to develop a study habit.  I do not know how to study. All my life, i have never, ever reviewed properly for any examintation.  I have never done my best.

This exchange of SMS occured a few weeks ago

BANG: The moon shines from the heaven

ME: Agree.  For the moon can not shine from the earth.  Likewise, a person can not shine if his talents are hidden and he's not doing his best.

Just now I've realized that i've been a dead fish who haven't swam against the current. I haven't made a difference.  There is nothing that I have done that led me to feel an unusal sense of pride.  I've been the kind of person I hate the most.  A person who doesn't have a sense of urgency, someone irresponsible.

But I strongly believe that, in a few weeks I will improve.
Thanks Ron.